Although sad at first, my feelings have taken a sharp turn and I now feel a sense of peace and happiness. Her passing was not an enemy. Like Rev. Waco said "Death came as a friend to her." The cards handed out at her vistitation say:
"God saw you getting tired
and a cure was not to be
so he put his arms around you
and whispered "come to me"
with tearful eyes we watched you,
we watched you fade away
although we loved you dearly
we could not make you stay
a golden heart stopped beating
hard working hands now rest
god broke our hearts to prove to us
he only takes the best."
I am happy now. She lays next to my grandfather, who I know is happy to see her again. While we cried, he cried also. Yet his tears were different. We cried tears of sorrow, he cried tears of joy, happy to once again be reunited with his long lost love. For this, I am happy. She never really left us. The color of her eyes reflect in my mirror and her name echos everytime mine is said. The lessons she taught and the ones she never learned replay in our heads and the memories of her will bring us smiles, and an occasional tear.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
grandma wallace
sorry I haven't posted in awhile you guys. been busier than i thought.
Grandma Wallace died today. I went with my friend to Fudds to finish a physics assignment and when Sarah picked me up she said that Grandma was in the hospital and Beth and my Dad had gone to see her. A few minutes after we got home my Dad called and said she has passed away 3 minutes earlier.
Upon hearing of a death your first reaction is to be sad. You think back to the last time you saw that person and what was said. Last time I saw my grandma was Saturday in the nursing home. My Dad wheeled her in from the cafeteria (her favorite place where she always ate all her food) and picked her up so she could lay on the bed.He got her settled then told her how I had driven over there and how I was now a driving machine. She had reached the point where she could no longer speak without great difficulty, and even then only get 1 word out. We would just sit there and talk to her, or just sit in silence, but I could see in her eyes she knew what we were saying. I even remember the last time she called me little Beth, (a nickname I allow only her to call me) and how she began not to recognize certain people yet, when I walked in the room on that day she just smiled and stared at me with her blue eyes, that I see in all my sisters and I. I remember a nurse saying "Oh she knows who you are baby, she knows you! You must be someone special!" When I last saw my grandma I held the straw so she could drink some water, and she just took turns staring at my Dad, Sarah and I. They call it a sixth sense, but I had a strange feeling that this was the last time I would see her. A feeling that told me she was waiting to see us all one more time.
When I hung up the phone I cried. I went and told Sarah and then went to my room and cried some more. Then I went into a state of confusion and asked myself what I was supposed to do next. I stopped crying and just thought what now. I guess you could say it was denial, I didn't want to believe it had happened. I knew that my grandma was in poor health and I've learned about the 7 steps of mourning in my Health careers class, yet there's no way to prepare for the reality of death. I called my friend and asked if she could finish the project along with our other group member because I didn't think I could. Only when I said to her "I may not be at school tomorrow, my grandma just died.", did it really sink in. I let myself go and just sobbed. I cried so much the skin below my eyes is tender and my once full Kleenex box now lies in the trash.
I began to think to myself everything I could have done differently. What I could have said if I had known. What I should have said anyways. What I would have said if I had more time. You begin to pick on yourself and fill yourself with guilt for every little thing you deem wrong. I said to myself "I know I cant change it, I tell people that all the time", yet I cant shake the feeling of regret.
I think about all the times she would get mad at Charlie for not being home when"He said he would" (even though it was 2 hours before his due time), how she always had a pot of coffee every morning, how she would always poke my feet with a cane and remark on how I always took off my shoes soon as I got in the door.I remember how when we were youner she always had a 20$ bill on her T.V tray waiting for us on our birthday, how she tried to teach me to knit even though her hands were too shaky, how she would always split the cocktail size pickles she had in half when we were coming over, even though it was a waste of time because we would scarf them down in minutes, and how she had the best stuffing in the world. I would count down the days till Thanksgiving just so I could have some of her stuffing.
I remember how I used to love going over there and spending the day with her because all we did was watch T.V, and at least once a day I would go outside and pick her some wildflowers from the backyard. I remember how she would always tell me they were beautiful and how much she liked them, then how she would send me to get a cup with some water for them so they could sit on her T.V tray. When I would go over there she would say to me "There you are little Beth, I've been waiting for you to come pick me some more flowers! The last ones are all dried up!"
I imagine her as another one of the wildflowers I picked for her, now. One of the things that would make her smile the most, a simple memory that brings my smiles in this hard time.
Shes going to be buried in Dallas next to my grandfather, just how she wanted. Though I never meet my grandfather, I cry every time I see his grave. I believe I cry for my grandmother, feel sorrow for her loss. But they are reunited now and he doesn't have to be alone. At long last they meet again and now have eternity. I believe that life is merely a phase in your journey, the most challenging you have to overcome, that death is simply entering a new phase and leaving the old one behind.
Grandma Wallace I know that your smiling at me as I write this thinking to yourself "Why is she so sad." Now all the things you've been trying to say the past few months are clear to me. The messages were simply delayed and are now overflowing my body in an unbearable flood that escapes through my eyes. Know I love you and that you are forever in my memory. Every time I pick a wildflower I'll smile to myself and think of you. When I smell coffee in the morning or spend the whole day lounging around watching T.V, enjoying the relaxation, you'll be there.
Grandma Wallace died today. I went with my friend to Fudds to finish a physics assignment and when Sarah picked me up she said that Grandma was in the hospital and Beth and my Dad had gone to see her. A few minutes after we got home my Dad called and said she has passed away 3 minutes earlier.
Upon hearing of a death your first reaction is to be sad. You think back to the last time you saw that person and what was said. Last time I saw my grandma was Saturday in the nursing home. My Dad wheeled her in from the cafeteria (her favorite place where she always ate all her food) and picked her up so she could lay on the bed.He got her settled then told her how I had driven over there and how I was now a driving machine. She had reached the point where she could no longer speak without great difficulty, and even then only get 1 word out. We would just sit there and talk to her, or just sit in silence, but I could see in her eyes she knew what we were saying. I even remember the last time she called me little Beth, (a nickname I allow only her to call me) and how she began not to recognize certain people yet, when I walked in the room on that day she just smiled and stared at me with her blue eyes, that I see in all my sisters and I. I remember a nurse saying "Oh she knows who you are baby, she knows you! You must be someone special!" When I last saw my grandma I held the straw so she could drink some water, and she just took turns staring at my Dad, Sarah and I. They call it a sixth sense, but I had a strange feeling that this was the last time I would see her. A feeling that told me she was waiting to see us all one more time.
When I hung up the phone I cried. I went and told Sarah and then went to my room and cried some more. Then I went into a state of confusion and asked myself what I was supposed to do next. I stopped crying and just thought what now. I guess you could say it was denial, I didn't want to believe it had happened. I knew that my grandma was in poor health and I've learned about the 7 steps of mourning in my Health careers class, yet there's no way to prepare for the reality of death. I called my friend and asked if she could finish the project along with our other group member because I didn't think I could. Only when I said to her "I may not be at school tomorrow, my grandma just died.", did it really sink in. I let myself go and just sobbed. I cried so much the skin below my eyes is tender and my once full Kleenex box now lies in the trash.
I began to think to myself everything I could have done differently. What I could have said if I had known. What I should have said anyways. What I would have said if I had more time. You begin to pick on yourself and fill yourself with guilt for every little thing you deem wrong. I said to myself "I know I cant change it, I tell people that all the time", yet I cant shake the feeling of regret.
I think about all the times she would get mad at Charlie for not being home when"He said he would" (even though it was 2 hours before his due time), how she always had a pot of coffee every morning, how she would always poke my feet with a cane and remark on how I always took off my shoes soon as I got in the door.I remember how when we were youner she always had a 20$ bill on her T.V tray waiting for us on our birthday, how she tried to teach me to knit even though her hands were too shaky, how she would always split the cocktail size pickles she had in half when we were coming over, even though it was a waste of time because we would scarf them down in minutes, and how she had the best stuffing in the world. I would count down the days till Thanksgiving just so I could have some of her stuffing.
I remember how I used to love going over there and spending the day with her because all we did was watch T.V, and at least once a day I would go outside and pick her some wildflowers from the backyard. I remember how she would always tell me they were beautiful and how much she liked them, then how she would send me to get a cup with some water for them so they could sit on her T.V tray. When I would go over there she would say to me "There you are little Beth, I've been waiting for you to come pick me some more flowers! The last ones are all dried up!"
I imagine her as another one of the wildflowers I picked for her, now. One of the things that would make her smile the most, a simple memory that brings my smiles in this hard time.
Shes going to be buried in Dallas next to my grandfather, just how she wanted. Though I never meet my grandfather, I cry every time I see his grave. I believe I cry for my grandmother, feel sorrow for her loss. But they are reunited now and he doesn't have to be alone. At long last they meet again and now have eternity. I believe that life is merely a phase in your journey, the most challenging you have to overcome, that death is simply entering a new phase and leaving the old one behind.
Grandma Wallace I know that your smiling at me as I write this thinking to yourself "Why is she so sad." Now all the things you've been trying to say the past few months are clear to me. The messages were simply delayed and are now overflowing my body in an unbearable flood that escapes through my eyes. Know I love you and that you are forever in my memory. Every time I pick a wildflower I'll smile to myself and think of you. When I smell coffee in the morning or spend the whole day lounging around watching T.V, enjoying the relaxation, you'll be there.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Write about fear
Well I was having writers block so I went to google and typed in "creative writing prompts". Soon my computer screen was filled with thousands upon millions of pages of these prompts! I clicked randomly on 1 site and found this prompt: "Write about fear", and since I need to continue my writing...HERE GOES!
Fear. When hearing this word images of any random scene begin to flow through peoples heads. Fear, just like all other emotions, is felt by everybody, regardless of anything. Fear is something that we try to avoid, although what we don't know is fear can be our best friend. Fear reminds us of the things we can lose, the things that we risk, the things that we wish to hold onto forever. Fear keeps us from thinking too highly of ourselves, keeps us from harm, keeps us connected to every single person in the world. And though fear is often wished to leave our system, it usually stays and is inevitable. Fear is...undenyably our friend and our worst enemy all wrapped in one. Fear will keep us from experiencing new things, makes us miss out on chances of a lifetime, keeps us from meeting interesting people. Fears can be gotten over, thrown to the side like garbage, but some fears will stay forever. Although there is no reason to fear anything in the world, it is human nature. Whats my biggest fear? Fear itself. I don't want to be afraidof the world. I don't want fear to hold me back from ANYTHING. Fear will get in the way of the most determined people, break the strongest wave, split the heaviest bolder.
Fear. When hearing this word images of any random scene begin to flow through peoples heads. Fear, just like all other emotions, is felt by everybody, regardless of anything. Fear is something that we try to avoid, although what we don't know is fear can be our best friend. Fear reminds us of the things we can lose, the things that we risk, the things that we wish to hold onto forever. Fear keeps us from thinking too highly of ourselves, keeps us from harm, keeps us connected to every single person in the world. And though fear is often wished to leave our system, it usually stays and is inevitable. Fear is...undenyably our friend and our worst enemy all wrapped in one. Fear will keep us from experiencing new things, makes us miss out on chances of a lifetime, keeps us from meeting interesting people. Fears can be gotten over, thrown to the side like garbage, but some fears will stay forever. Although there is no reason to fear anything in the world, it is human nature. Whats my biggest fear? Fear itself. I don't want to be afraidof the world. I don't want fear to hold me back from ANYTHING. Fear will get in the way of the most determined people, break the strongest wave, split the heaviest bolder.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
SENIORITIS GO AWAY!!!
Well not much went on today. Just the usual Thursday drag, waiting for it to be Friday already!!!
Eventhough Fridays are no longer a sign that i can go home and rest, but only means its time to work! But i dont mind TOOOO much because it only means when i begin college, move out and get my car i'll just be that much ahead of the game! I got my progress report today and had 4A's and 2B's! I was so happy because i felt like i had been slacking off! I guess the teachers are just easier on us this semester. Well hopefully by my next post something of slight interest will of happened so as not to drag yall through this! I just love to write and my teacher told me that he thought it was a good idea for me to continue with it (which i have a 95 in that class!). So ill ttyl! LUV YALL!
Eventhough Fridays are no longer a sign that i can go home and rest, but only means its time to work! But i dont mind TOOOO much because it only means when i begin college, move out and get my car i'll just be that much ahead of the game! I got my progress report today and had 4A's and 2B's! I was so happy because i felt like i had been slacking off! I guess the teachers are just easier on us this semester. Well hopefully by my next post something of slight interest will of happened so as not to drag yall through this! I just love to write and my teacher told me that he thought it was a good idea for me to continue with it (which i have a 95 in that class!). So ill ttyl! LUV YALL!
1st POST!
HEY YALL!
ok so I began a blog because I have a lot to say (shocker!) and don't want to take up ALLL the space on yalls blogs! haha and this way I can tell yall every little detail of whats going on! Hope yall enjoy! I know I LOVE reading Grandmas blog! I'll try to update every chance I get! and feel free to post ANYTHING! ENJOY!
ok so I began a blog because I have a lot to say (shocker!) and don't want to take up ALLL the space on yalls blogs! haha and this way I can tell yall every little detail of whats going on! Hope yall enjoy! I know I LOVE reading Grandmas blog! I'll try to update every chance I get! and feel free to post ANYTHING! ENJOY!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)