grandma wallace

sorry I haven't posted in awhile you guys. been busier than i thought.

Grandma Wallace died today. I went with my friend to Fudds to finish a physics assignment and when Sarah picked me up she said that Grandma was in the hospital and Beth and my Dad had gone to see her. A few minutes after we got home my Dad called and said she has passed away 3 minutes earlier.
Upon hearing of a death your first reaction is to be sad. You think back to the last time you saw that person and what was said. Last time I saw my grandma was Saturday in the nursing home. My Dad wheeled her in from the cafeteria (her favorite place where she always ate all her food) and picked her up so she could lay on the bed.He got her settled then told her how I had driven over there and how I was now a driving machine. She had reached the point where she could no longer speak without great difficulty, and even then only get 1 word out. We would just sit there and talk to her, or just sit in silence, but I could see in her eyes she knew what we were saying. I even remember the last time she called me little Beth, (a nickname I allow only her to call me) and how she began not to recognize certain people yet, when I walked in the room on that day she just smiled and stared at me with her blue eyes, that I see in all my sisters and I. I remember a nurse saying "Oh she knows who you are baby, she knows you! You must be someone special!" When I last saw my grandma I held the straw so she could drink some water, and she just took turns staring at my Dad, Sarah and I. They call it a sixth sense, but I had a strange feeling that this was the last time I would see her. A feeling that told me she was waiting to see us all one more time.
When I hung up the phone I cried. I went and told Sarah and then went to my room and cried some more. Then I went into a state of confusion and asked myself what I was supposed to do next. I stopped crying and just thought what now. I guess you could say it was denial, I didn't want to believe it had happened. I knew that my grandma was in poor health and I've learned about the 7 steps of mourning in my Health careers class, yet there's no way to prepare for the reality of death. I called my friend and asked if she could finish the project along with our other group member because I didn't think I could. Only when I said to her "I may not be at school tomorrow, my grandma just died.", did it really sink in. I let myself go and just sobbed. I cried so much the skin below my eyes is tender and my once full Kleenex box now lies in the trash.
I began to think to myself everything I could have done differently. What I could have said if I had known. What I should have said anyways. What I would have said if I had more time. You begin to pick on yourself and fill yourself with guilt for every little thing you deem wrong. I said to myself "I know I cant change it, I tell people that all the time", yet I cant shake the feeling of regret.
I think about all the times she would get mad at Charlie for not being home when"He said he would" (even though it was 2 hours before his due time), how she always had a pot of coffee every morning, how she would always poke my feet with a cane and remark on how I always took off my shoes soon as I got in the door.I remember how when we were youner she always had a 20$ bill on her T.V tray waiting for us on our birthday, how she tried to teach me to knit even though her hands were too shaky, how she would always split the cocktail size pickles she had in half when we were coming over, even though it was a waste of time because we would scarf them down in minutes, and how she had the best stuffing in the world. I would count down the days till Thanksgiving just so I could have some of her stuffing.
I remember how I used to love going over there and spending the day with her because all we did was watch T.V, and at least once a day I would go outside and pick her some wildflowers from the backyard. I remember how she would always tell me they were beautiful and how much she liked them, then how she would send me to get a cup with some water for them so they could sit on her T.V tray. When I would go over there she would say to me "There you are little Beth, I've been waiting for you to come pick me some more flowers! The last ones are all dried up!"
I imagine her as another one of the wildflowers I picked for her, now. One of the things that would make her smile the most, a simple memory that brings my smiles in this hard time.
Shes going to be buried in Dallas next to my grandfather, just how she wanted. Though I never meet my grandfather, I cry every time I see his grave. I believe I cry for my grandmother, feel sorrow for her loss. But they are reunited now and he doesn't have to be alone. At long last they meet again and now have eternity. I believe that life is merely a phase in your journey, the most challenging you have to overcome, that death is simply entering a new phase and leaving the old one behind.
Grandma Wallace I know that your smiling at me as I write this thinking to yourself "Why is she so sad." Now all the things you've been trying to say the past few months are clear to me. The messages were simply delayed and are now overflowing my body in an unbearable flood that escapes through my eyes. Know I love you and that you are forever in my memory. Every time I pick a wildflower I'll smile to myself and think of you. When I smell coffee in the morning or spend the whole day lounging around watching T.V, enjoying the relaxation, you'll be there.